how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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