Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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