I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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