I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Please don't give away my fajitas
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
