Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just cut my nipple shaving
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
