I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
