guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
