I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
