tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
