Already got asked if we're dating
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
