I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize