As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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