did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize