i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
