Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize