I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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