Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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