i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
