Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
