Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
