im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
