He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
