my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
