a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize