Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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