When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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