Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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