just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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