There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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