I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
