I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Randomize
