i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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