i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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