I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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