I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
