TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
