you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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