Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize