So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
