I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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