Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
