It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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