I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
