i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
