And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
