i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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