I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
