apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
