Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
