Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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