watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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