Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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