I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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