I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
