I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
