sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
