How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
